You are now divorced and looking to get back into the dating mix. This is not something you wanted to do but sooner or later you have to find someone. You will not want to spend the rest of your life alone. It will be somewhat tricky because you will need to figure out what to wear, where to go, how to find a date, who pays and the list goes on but you can do this.
The feelings could be overwhelming so make sure you are ready to start dating again. Women may feel vulnerable because they used to have a husband to look out for them and protect them. Men may be just as vulnerable not dating for such a long time. Men and women go out not sure what to do or how to do it when it comes to dating. The good thing is you will usually be looking for someone that is in the same predicament you are in since future dates will usually be divorced.
How do you make the post-divorce dating work? Check out our dating tips for people who are divorced.
Are you ready for dating?
After a divorce, it can be hard on everyone especially if you have kids involved. You really want to make sure the divorce is final before doing anything with dating. You may also need some time to heal or figure things out. There is no reason to complicate your life with another person before everything has settled. There is no reason to move fast you can take this slow. If you are a person that hates to be alone then you will probably jump into dating quicker than most people. This is ok, but you should still give yourself sometime before dating.
What are your must-haves?
You need to sit down with a notepad in hand to write down what you are looking for in a man or women. What is it that you need them to be for you to date them. If you are divorced then you know a lot about yourself and what type of person you are looking for in a date. What are the must have’s like kindness, funny, smart, handsome, sexy, pretty, energetic, patient or any other traits you can think of to write down. You do not want to be so strict with this list that it would be impossible to find someone to date because they did not meet everything on your list.
You also need to look at your must not have
This list will complement the must-have a list when looking for someone. You should do both lists together since they are in a similar category. You may find that some must not haves are concrete and others are vaguer. The list may look something like this:
- Cannot be mean or cruel
- Does not want kids
- Must not have a bad temper
- Do not want someone over 50 years old or younger than 40
The great thing is as you date you can update both lists or modify it if it makes sense.
Dating after a divorce does not have to be an immediate thing. You can take a year or two for yourself before hitting the dating scene. When you do start dating and you find someone interesting just goes slow. No reason to move fast when you are getting your feet wet again. It has probably been a while since you last dated someone new so slows it down. If the person you are dating does want to move fast and will not slow it down maybe they are not the person for you.
You want to stay safe so keep some distance
When you start off dating going slow is great. You also should keep your distance when you first get back into dating people new. What I mean by keeping your distance is you should not divulge everything to someone the first month or two of dating. You should keep your address from them until you are comfortable with the relationship. You still do not really know someone after a few months so make sure to keep things at a high level. You should not dive into each other’s deepest secrets until after 6 months to a year. You can really start sharing intimate secrets or information when you know this is a long-term relationship.
You have fear but you need to just do it
Dating was scary when you were in middle school and high school. It does not get any easier if you are a divorced person looking for love again. Everyone is nervous when dating for the first few dates after healing from the divorce. It’s always scary meeting someone new, will the date go well, what if the date goes bad, what if the date goes well and the list goes on and on. You need to just relax and follow a few simple rules we have in this article tips for dating someone new.
You are perfectly fine there is nothing wrong with you
People will often beat themselves up saying that there is something wrong with them. Your husband or wife got a divorce from you because something is wrong with you. There is probably something wrong with most of us. Last time I checked no one was perfect or godlike on this planet. You are not perfect but you are perfect enough for the right person on this earth. The key is you have to find that person you can connect and grow with. Just because you got a divorce does not make something wrong with you. You need to stop beating yourself up if you happen to be doing that as you read this.
You may have a bunch of negative thoughts after a divorce. Your thoughts betray you and you really need to keep positive about what you are thinking. Do not think the divorce is your entire fault because all divorces happen due to both of you. You both fell out of love or you both did not work for the needs of each other. There are so many variables it is not worth your energy to negatively dwell on the past mistakes. Once you start dating you do not want negative thoughts still lingering about the divorce. You just need to cut ties with your negative thoughts. Focus instead on a positive future.
Why do you want to start dating?
You need to think about this for a while.
Why do you want to start dating? What do you really want out of dating? Are you lonely and want companionship? Do you want some fun or some loving for short term?
Reviewing what you want in dating will better help you pick someone to date. The clearer the picture is the better chance you have of finding someone to meet your needs.
Most people remember old school dating when there was no internet dating. That is what we are talking about when we say offline dating. This is where you meet people when you are out and about doing daily tasks. There are so many ways you can meet people without using the internet. Here is just a few:
- Social clubs are a great place to meet people
- The church is where a lot of people meet
- Work you can meet people just be careful HR conflicts
- Clubs are great places if you like drinking and dancing
You may need more information on different types of offline dating. You can check out our article finding a date the top 16 ways.
You have maybe tried the old school method of offline dating. You now need to learn the new way of dating called online dating. You are limited to find and date single people in the offline world. The good thing with online dating is you can look at profiles for potential matches in your area. Everyone on here is looking for someone to date. Everyone you see when you do your search is a potential person to go out with on a date.
Online dating is so popular because of the ease to look and connect with other people. The rejection part of asking someone out is minimized with online dating. If someone sends a request to connect because they are interested the person can accept, decline or ignore. If someone sent the request to connect through the online email and the person does not accept it is no big deal. You move on to the next group of people you have sent invites to.
Not everyone is going to connect with you for various reasons. You do enough and before you know it you will be out dating.
To check out some online dating websites that we suggest go to dating sites page.
Dating is a numbers game unless you get lucky right out of the gate. I am not saying you need to date 100 people to find the one. You will need to date a number of different people before you find the one.
- The average number of dates for a male before remarrying is eight.
- The average number of dates for a female before remarrying is seven.
- People that get a divorce tend to wait three years before they remarry.
You look at the numbers and the average is three years before remarrying. This means you will probably date between three to eight people before finding the one that is right for you. Don’t worry if you have to keep dating to find that special someone.
If you have kids do not let that hold you back
You have a life too so do not let be an excuse not to date. You need to have a talk with the kids letting them know you are going to start dating again. Once you have dated someone for a long time and you know it is getting serious then you can introduce them to the kids. If you are just dating different people then you should keep that separate from family. I would not introduce every new person you date to your kids. That would be too much and may get emotionally messy.
Friends and Family
You have found somebody that may be a good match. You do not just want to drop everything you have to be with them all the time. You should still have a girl’s night out or a guy’s poker club. Do not put everything on hold to focus all your extra time on the new person in your life. You need to still keep the balance you had before dating.
Just be yourself
You want to dress up and look great for the date but don’t overdo it if that is not you. The one thing if you want to be the best you can be on the date. I would not go into it with a do not care attitude. You need to be yourself but make sure you have the right mental mindset. Be positive even if work was rough or you got home to take care of the kids and that was stressful. If things are too hectic reschedule the date when you are in a better place.
The just be yourself reminds me of that movie 27 Dresses. Tess the main character’s sister comes into town and starts dating Janes boss George. Tess starts dating George and to impress him she lies about everything. She was not herself and it ended in disaster for her in the movie.
This is the advice you should heed. Do not be something you are not.
I know when you first start dating it can be challenging but it can also be fun. If you focus on having a fun time no matter what you will usually have it. When you go out on the first couple of dates try to do something you love to do. Maybe you like salsa dancing and you can talk your date into going to a dance club. Maybe you know he likes mountain bike riding so you plan a day to take him to a new track to ride. There is fun in everything you just have to be open to it.
I hope the 16 tips for dating after a divorce help you with your new dating adventure. The number one thing is to have fun and to find a person you can connect with to date. If over time it blossoms into more than that is great.